Who is in your constellation?
You might not think of yourself as being part of a constellation, but you might want to start thinking of yourself that way. There is an old saying, sometimes attributed as being an African proverb, that says, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Given the choice in the game of life, I would choose to go far.
For the past few months, I have been thinking about the power of being part of a community of people, whether it is to share your life, to learn and grow, or to collaborate and work together. If there is one thing the pandemic has taught us all is that we need people, maybe even more than we thought we did.
I am an introvert, an Enneagram 5, and I can easily become a loner. I work well by myself and can tolerate a lot of alone time. Even I came to miss being with others while stuck at home in the past year. I missed having people to bounce around ideas with. I missed the energy that comes from being in a group of people having a great conversation. For the first time since I left my academic career in 2014, I really missed having colleagues.
One of my favorite books this year is Big Potential, by Shawn Achor. Achor is well known for his Harvard research on happiness, success and achieving potential. These are topics that I am always interested in reading about, and I have read many books in this field. I was not expecting the message in this book.
Achor’s research, conducted with thousands of people all over the world, also caused Achor to be surprised at what he discovered. Though as a society we praise and encourage individual achievement, our happiness and success are not dependent on our individual efforts. They are not achieved by being the best or by beating the competition. Our happiness and success are dependent on how well we are able to connect to, and benefit from, the people who are around us.
Achor says:
The conclusion of a decade of my work is clear. You can be a superstar; you just can’t be one alone. What you need is a star system; a constellation of positive, authentic influencers who support each other, reinforce each other, and make each other better. (p.68).
As someone who has always excelled through individual achievement, I was surprised. The more I thought about, the more I realized that Achor’s findings ring true. The times when I have been at my best, when I have done my best work and when I have felt happiest and most successful have been those times when I have been closely associated with a constellation of others.
My constellation has changed throughout the years, but I can look back now and see the positive influence of others. Would I have passed seventh grade math without the nightly phone calls from my friend Sheri? Would I have learned to love music without the influence of my high school band, or the friends I sang and played guitar with? In my college years I may not have had a lot of friends, but I was surrounded with people who loved learning and were eager to share ideas. It was an environment that supported me in becoming my authentic self. One colleague helped me through my master’s degree, and another encouraged me to go for my Ph.D.
My career has always benefited from the close collaboration with others. I still have a photo on my wall of my professional “dream team,” a group of colleagues that I loved working with and who helped me revolutionize teacher education. Another time, I was one of a dozen people who started a national organization that now has thousands of members. I would not and could not have done that without a star system of a people who believed in the dream and stretched each other to do things that we had never done.
We all need a constellation. We need someone to dream with. We need someone who can mentor us. We need those who will encourage us. We also need people who will challenge us, allowing us to discover new ideas and new perspectives. We need someone who understands our work and someone who allows us to step away from our work. We need someone who will listen to us. We need someone who loves us unconditionally.
I consider myself fortunate to have my own constellation. My star system includes a few close family members including my husband and my daughters. It includes a few old friends and a few new friends. I have an incredible business partner and a mastermind mind group who keeps me focused. I have former students including a couple from my very first class and others that I taught more recently. I have my “dreamers,” a small group who meet to talk about how we are working on our dreams. My constellation also has people from around the world who I have never met in person, but who have become friends through this online space.
In our constellation, we find true belonging. In her book Braving the Wilderness, Author and researcher Brené Brown says, “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” (p. 157).
I believe that is the secret in being a part of a constellation. When we are part of a star system and are working as our best and most authentic selves, we are encouraged to use our gifts. We are able to find our light and to shine. The bigger, more magnanimous gift is that when we are working together, we are all able to shine more brightly.
How about you? Do you have a constellation of others who support you and help you to grow? Have you felt the effect of working with a group in which together you were better than any individual alone? Have your happiness and success been impacted by the power of your personal constellation?
I would love to hear your insight.
My best,
Michele
Achor, S. (2018). Big potential: How Transforming the Pursuit of Success Raises Our Achievement, Happiness, and Well-Being. New York: Currency.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness. New York: Random House.
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